Introduction from Dump That Chump

The title of this book was taken from one of my favourite blues songs from “Saffire: The Uppity Blues Women.” The singer bellows out, “Dump that chump. You’d better lose that loser. You’d better listen to me.”

I think these women are onto something when it comes to intimate relationships and the bad choices we often make. I can’t tell you how many women have come to see me for counselling because they are miserable in the relationship they’re currently in, or are recovering from one they’ve just extricated themselves from. All of these women, by the way, happen to be highly intelligent, funny, attractive, and successful in nearly every other area in their lives. So why do they keep picking the wrong mate? How is it that we women can be so intelligent and successful in our lives and yet when it comes to relationships, we don't choose wisely?

Believe me, I understand all too well as I was one of those women for a long time myself. It took a very painful and scary experience with an abusive man before I finally woke up to the fact that I was choosing the wrong guys. I’m definitely not recommending this style of learning as it is extremely traumatic and has long-lasting aftereffects.

However, I decided to use this tragic life experience as an opportunity to learn how and why I had created this pattern of dating people who weren’t good for me. I spent the next five years deliberately single so that I could focus all of my energy on healing myself, figuring out why I had such a tough time with relationships, and gaining the skills and tools I needed in order to pick someone someday who was perfect for me.

After following the steps I’m about to share with you, I met the love of my life. That was almost eight years ago and we are still totally in love and very happy together. You see; I had worked so hard on becoming the kind of woman who would attract such a person, along with visualizing who that person would be, that it actually wasn’t a huge surprise when he came into my life.

I liken the experience to being prepared for an exam: You study like mad until you’re confident when the day finally arrives and you are prepared for it. When you breeze through and get a great mark, you feel good, but you also realize that you earned it because you worked so hard for it.

Through my own life experience, as well as from counselling a multitude of women from all ages and backgrounds, I have come to some conclusions about why we choose the partners we do and how we can change those patterns for the better if they are no longer working for us. Experience tells me that these themes are true for the majority of women out there, regardless of one’s sexual orientation. Whether you are straight, gay, or bi-sexual, I am confident that you will find this book of immense help in finding your ideal partner.

The book is divided into two main parts. The first part focuses on how we got to where we are today with regards to relationships and choosing partners. In this section, I aim to shed some light onto why we often pick the wrong mates. In short, I have found that most women pick the wrong mate(s) because of our false beliefs about who we are and what we deserve in life. These come from our growing-up years. The focus will be on the main forces that shape us in those early years: our family-of-origin, ethnicity and culture, and the influence of the larger society in which we live.

I will also share with you what we end up doing with what we’ve learned from our family-of-origin, along with the societal influences, and how we entrap ourselves way into adulthood, even when we’ve supposedly ‘grown up’ and would rather not be so influenced by our upbringing.

In the second part, the focus will be on giving you, the reader, necessary tools to get “unstuck” so that you can move forward in the realm of intimate relationships and find yourself one day in the wonderful and fulfilling relationship you want and deserve. Throughout the book, I will give you real-life examples from my own, and from my clients’ lives, which will inspire you and give you confidence in your quest for fulfilling relationships. My clients are my greatest teachers, and it is through witnessing their struggles and growth that I am able to pass on this wisdom.

I want to thank the incredible women that I have worked with for sharing their courageous journeys with me and for being able to offer the lessons learned in order to help other women. I believe so much in the power of sharing stories, for in doing so, we guide and inspire one another in becoming all we dream of being. Thank you to all women who come across my path as I heal, grow, and become the woman that the Creator intended me to be. It is an honour to know you, share with you, and to walk alongside you. You are all my angels and teachers. Thank you also to my grandmother, mother, and sister – you have given me the wings I needed to fly. I am so grateful to have you in my life.

Esther

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